I’ve written a lot about The Rapture over the years and have warned you nonbelievers accordingly but this time I’m convinced: The Rapture, It Cometh. Possibly as soon as next week.

What are the signs of The Rapture, you ask? You know the End Times are near when a black man is elected president, the economy tanks, your neighbors start disappearing, Crossfire is resurrected and George W. Bush converts the Jews by looking especially creepy.

Next week Bush will be the keynote speaker at a fundraiser for the Messianic Jewish Bible Institute, an organization which hopes to bring on the Second Coming of Christ by completely undermining the Jewish faith. I’m not sure how you can be a Messianic Jew any more than you can be a Jew for Jesus but last I checked Catholics don’t believe in The Rapture and with Pope Francis leading us, we’ll probably all be Episcopalians soon.

The goal of the Institute is to convert Jews to a hybrid type of Jewish-Christianity, or “Jewanity,” thereby restoring Israel to its original purpose—as a landing strip for God. As you can imagine Messianic Jews are not very popular among old-school non-Christian Jews, probably because they’re jealous. This is like when Charlotte converted to Judaism for Harry and became Charlotte York Goldenblatt. I believe that’s when Sex and the City began its long downward spiral, culminating in a Mikhail Baryshnikov guest role and two hideous movies.

Last year Glenn Beck headlined the event. The guy’s A MORMON. If there’s anyone they should be converting it’s A MORMON. Mormons are WEIRD. Not that I’m necessarily opposed to becoming a Joseph Smith Roman Catholic if it gets me into the Mormon Tabernacle off I-495. It’s hauntingly beautiful.

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