It’s one thing to learn that you have no friends. But then, to get slammed with the undeniable fact that you are addicted to the Internet (which is probably why you have no friends) is almost too much to bear. Lucky for me, I have all of you, my cyberbuddies.

According to a new study, Americans are more socially isolated today than in two decades, mostly due to work, commuting and the single life. At least married couples have spouses that they can lean on – what on earth do the single folk do? Aside from donating sperm and writing diatribes about breeder conspiracies. Is it because it makes you feel connected to society? Sad. Almost 25 percent of those surveyed said that they had “zero” close friends. People who claimed to have at least two confidants often named family members. That so doesn’t count.

According to Harvard Professor Robert Putnam, “Worrying about social isolation is not a matter of nostalgia for a warm and cuddly past. Real things are strongly connected with that.” Putnam is the author of the book “Bowling Alone.” Maybe you’ll meet someone in Book People’s checkout line who’s also purchasing the book. Maybe they can be your new best friend. Maybe you better just stay home and continue blogging.

Speaking of your virtual life, all that time you spend online isn’t exactly expanding your social network. Unless you consider commenting on blogs a “social network.” Apparently Internet addiction disorder is just the latest psychiatric condition you’re suffering from. If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you should also seek treatment for social anxiety disorder, intermittent explosive disorder, agoraphobia and any number of personality disorders.

Symptoms of Internet addiction include “a general disregard of your health, personal needs, nourishment and hygiene.” I once went 10 days straight without eating anything but a saltine cracker. And I don’t have to remind you that I don’t even brush my hair when meeting a U.S. Senator. Another way you know you’re an addict is when you start experiencing so-called “cyber shakes,” which include “psychomotor agitation and typing motions of the fingers” while away from the keyboard. In other words, you could be on a date and pretending the restaurant bar is a laptop. I kid. When would you go on a date?

One of the most serious life-threatening symptoms of this addiction is described as “chasing down a suspect, possibly armed, who may have stolen your laptop.”

Tags: blogging, media, mental health   Posted General |