Are Those Your Two Americas Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
I’m still in a state of shock over the discovery of John Edwards’s raunchy sex tape with the mother of his just-approved child. When I heard about this earlier today, I immediately tore off the cover of the current “Perry for President?!?” issue and started fanning my face with it, asking my coworkers where the nearest Victorian-era fainting couch was. As usual, I was ignored and fell to the ground, hitting my head on our recently purchased Ping-Pong table.
[Warning: There are cheap penis puns in the following paragraphs.]
Who does John Edwards think he is, Paris Hilton? Tommy Lee? Insert latest sex scandal here? That’s what she said? I mean, does anyone really want to see this guy’s overpumped mill worker up close and personal? Apparently, yes. Because people who have seen the sex tape are more than a little impressed by the former presidential candidate’s runningmate. A writer associated with (not with with) Texas Monthly, who shall remain nameless because he OR she would sue me if given the chance, saw the tape last fall. And he OR she said that Edwards had such a big package, it would’ve taken up the entire West Wing. OMG!
Former Edwards aide Andrew Young says he found the sex tape while flipping through Rielle Hunter’s DVDs, sandwiched in between Fatal Attraction and A Woman Scorned: The Betty Broderick Story. In retrospect, she probably shouldn’t have labeled it “My Sex Tape With John Edwards.” According to Gawker, sources who have seen the tape say that it first stars only John and his oversized executive pen. Gross. Just imagining Edwards standing there naked, save for his crisp blue oxford shirt, is vomit-inducing.
And how stupid is Andrew Young anyway? Are we really supposed to feel sorry for him now as he goes on his tell-all book tour? He PRETENDED TO BE THE FATHER because Edwards asked him to. You know, there are just some things you shouldn’t do for your boss. Another source told Gawker that finding the sex tape was “kind of the last straw for people who had sacrificed savings and jobs to lie for John.” Wow. That was the last straw. Well, that and the murders.
[via NY Mag]
January 25th, 2010 at 3:41 pm
Of course there’s a sex tape. Jeez. He really is a loser. What really bothers me, though, is that every time I hear something about the many adventures of John Edwards and someone refers to Andrew Young, I always think of *this* Andrew Young and it causes major cognitive dissonance.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andrew_Young
I mean … more so than just your everyday garden variety cognitive dissonance stemming from the mention of sex tapes starring a former presidential candidate.
January 25th, 2010 at 3:54 pm
Interesting. When someone refers to Andrew Young, I always think of Andrew Speaker.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2007_tuberculosis_scare
Perhaps that will help with your dissonance problem?
January 25th, 2010 at 4:21 pm
Oh good god. You did not just bring up Andrew Speaker. I had finally gotten over him.
January 25th, 2010 at 4:22 pm
I’m afraid that makes it much worse. I had actually forgotten about him. Thanks ever so much for resurrecting that one, lush!
January 25th, 2010 at 4:27 pm
Sex has sure taken down a lot of politicians. It’s their Kryptonite.
January 25th, 2010 at 4:40 pm
Can anyone really ever get over Andrew Speaker? I think not.
January 25th, 2010 at 4:44 pm
What can I say? It’s something of a direct replacement, douchebag for douchebag scenario.
January 25th, 2010 at 4:48 pm
Why are you trying to drag us all down with you?
http://www.texasmonthly.com/blogs/inthepink/?p=2327
January 25th, 2010 at 4:56 pm
Cindy says:
“Sex has sure taken down a lot of politicians. It�s their Kryptonite.”
–Unless you’re a foreign politician…then it gives you super powers…
January 25th, 2010 at 5:14 pm
Sex has taken down plenty of average folks, too. It’s Kryptonite for the masses.
January 25th, 2010 at 7:34 pm
The French are laughing.
And eating bread and drinking wine. And having sporteffing.
But not bathing, so we got that goin’ for us.
January 25th, 2010 at 9:39 pm
“running mate”, “over pumped millworker”, “oversized executive pen” ???? The poor thing has a name. The two of them put together a traveling show many years aog. They headlined under the moniker “Johnny Edwards and Flipper the one-eyed dolphin”.
January 25th, 2010 at 9:53 pm
Sex is gonna take me down…but think of poor Andrew Young. He was “da’ man” until he saw Little Johhny Edwards and immediately felt the need to respond to the Enzyte ads.
Penis envy is serious, ya’ll. Just look at Tiger Woods…he must have been trying to get past the shortcoming from his Asian ancestry in the old “twig & berries” department.
January 26th, 2010 at 8:01 am
Be sure to wash your hands after attending his book signing. And try not to stare, it’s not polite.