Your 2014 Texas Rangers Nicknames

Our 2013 Best of Dallas award winner, and Observer writer, Michael "Grubes" Gruber, is renowned for nicknaming Rangers players. In fact, if you follow him on Twitter (@tweetgrubes) like thousands of other people do, then his Diamond Tweets covering the Rangers games are largely incomprehensible without extensive knowledge of the nicknames.

So, here is your Rangers nickname cheat sheet. Follow Grubes on Twitter for the season's first Diamond Tweet, mourn the loss of Lake Dad and Kitten Face, and join us here on Unfair Park for a live blog from the Ballpark With A Scary And Weird New Name. Without further ado, here's Grubes.

Hello, everyone! My name is Michael "Grubes" Gruber and the list below contains my nicknames for the 2014 version of your Texas Rangers. Why the hell is this being published here, you ask? I really don't know, either. But I do know that it's a fun little thing that brings merth and merriment to (some) Texas Rangers fans who follow me on Twitter at @tweetgrubes. I've been doing these nicknames since the 2010 season, when I determined that the now-departed Craig Gentry looks like a cat and thereafter was dubbed Kitten Face. Most of these nicknames are pretty self-explanatory, but if you don't understand them...just think on it a little more and all will be revealed.

Neal Cotts - Big Hairy Cotts
Yu Darvish - Yupy
Jason Frasor - Dr. Frasor Crane
Neftali Feliz - Happy
Matt Harrison - Harry, Andrea Kremer
Derek Holland - Dutch Oven
Colby Lewis - Colbra, Lumberjack
Alexi Ogando - Easter Island Golf Ball Face (EIGBF)
Nick Martinez - Nick Pantaloons, Little Nicky
Joe Ortiz - Guillermo (Kimmel Show), Fat Joe Lefty Atlantic
Martin Perez - Perez Dispenser
Seth Rosin - Knocked Up, Superbad, Pineapple Express
Robbie Ross - Sheriff, The Teeth
Joe Saunders - Not The Golfer (NTG)
Tanner Scheppers - Red Hot Chili Scheppers, RHCS
Joakim Soria - Cirque Du Soria
Nick Tepesch - Tepesch Mode
Shawn Tolleson - Nestle, Troll Tolleson

JP Arencibia - The Catcher Arencibia
Robinson Chirinos - Honey Nut Chirinos
Chris Giminez - Giminez Cricket
Geovany Soto - Sotopelle, Sotopillas

Elvis Andrus - Sparkles, Tiny E
Adrian Beltre - OS (Oh Sh*t!)
Prince Fielder - The Yellow Prince, Captain Badass, The Fielder Currently Known As Prince
Mitch Moreland - The Bitch
Donnie Murphy - Darkness, DONNIE MURPHEHHHHH!!!!!!!
Jurickson Profar - Marlo, Circle Jurickson
Josh Wilson - Lunchpail, Unicorn

Jim Aducci - Adebisi
Engel Beltre - Engel In The Outfield, Touched By An Engel
Michael Choice - Puppy Face
Shin-Soo Choo - Choopacabra, Choopie, Pikachoo
Leonys Martin - Squidward, Shanaynay
Alex Rios - Bread Basket (Jim Bowden claimed chances of acquiring him "smaller than a bread basket." We got him five minutes later), Mantis

Steve Busby - Buzz, Nubber, Just The Tip
Jon Daniels - JD, The Jedi
Tom Grieve - Cookiepuss
Ron Washington - Puff Daddy