In the Weekly Quandary, we pull from the comments, the weekly open thread or email a question that we know (or at least suspect) plagues more than one parent. You — the readers — provide the advice: How have you resolved this (or not) in your family? This week’s quandary came from a comment from the reader SN, that I suspect was meant for the Open Thread, but posted on the satirical essay Turn Your Princess-Obsessed Toddler Into a Feminist in Eight Easy Steps:
I spoke with my 3-year-old’s teachers in a regular parent-teacher conference, who made it their main business to point out all the things about my son that I should be “working on”: He sucks his thumb and he’s happier exploring/playing by himself than playing with other kids. “What are you doing to do work on this?” asked his main teacher.
Look, I don’t want to be one of those my-kid-is-perfect parents, but my kid is delightful — loves to sing, read, talk, play, etc. I’m a perfectionist in my work and have tried to be wary of thinking of my son as something to “work on,” let alone “fix.” He’s a person, not a project, and I find his teacher’s approach to him downright cold, and I’m feeling down about it.
Is this feeling reasonable? Or should I be glad that his teacher is taking an interest in improving my child? I think she would say (did say actually) that this is toward the greater goal of making his life easier: so he won’t be shunned as an introverted thumbsucker, basically.
Fellow introverts and readers of Susan Cain’s “Quiet” will recognize that there is no shame in being reserved, and no reason to worry about, much less interfere with, a less gregarious child (my take) — but many will also agree with jzzy55, who replied in the comments that “developing social competence is one of the reasons people send their kids” to preschool, and with the regular Motherlode contributor and distinct extrovert Jessica Lahey, who has written (about older children):
As a teacher, it is my job to teach grammar, vocabulary and literature, but I must also teach my students how to succeed in the world we live in — a world where most people won’t stop talking. If anything, I feel even more strongly that my introverted students must learn how to self-advocate by communicating with parents, educators and the world at large.
Should SN help her child “work” on taking pleasure in being with others as well as “exploring/playing by himself” or let him be?