Apple CEO Tim Cook’s journey provides road map for other gays in corporate America

Apple CEO Tim Cook has acknowledged he is gay while advocating for human rights reportedly in an essay in Businessweek. (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

Thursday, Businessweek published a contributed article by Apple’s Chief Executive Officer Tim Cook, head of one of the world’s most valuable brands and one of the most powerful people in business. The first-person account, entitled Tim Cook Speaks Up, is groundbreaking — this is the first time a CEO of a Fortune 500 company has announced publicly that he is gay. Scratch that: “proud to be gay.”

Think about that for a moment. Many of you may be wondering, “It’s 2014. Who cares?” In some respects, that’s a valid sentiment. But not entirely.

The announcement is at once epochally monumental and professionally immaterial. What does one’s sexual orientation have to do with one’s ability to do a job (well), run a company (successfully), or lead a nation (eventually)? The fact is it doesn’t, but even that is beside the point.

By his own admission, many (most?) in Cook’s circle of friends and colleagues were well aware of his sexual orientation long before he publicly disclosed it. Who knows exactly what, if any, workplace discrimination he has encountered, professional growth or development opportunities he might have missed out on because of his sexuality.

Clearly the man is doing extraordinarily well for himself. His business skills, acumen and achievements should be at the forefront, where they belong. Yet the nuances of Cook’s own career trajectory, his rise to the top rung of executive management of a publicly-traded, multi-national corporation, are important as they can provide a road map of sorts to gays and lesbians (and potentially other minorities) navigating corporate politics, squaring ambitions, and balancing business and private interests in their own right.

Having worked in the corporate world and now, thankfully, a business owner myself, I know sexual orientation can be a tricky subject in matters of business. Vaunt or identify too much as such and you can become reduced to one thing: the token [you know what] of the office. Be too cagey, and you risk making a perceived issue of something that otherwise might not be. It traditionally has not been pleasant, but is becoming far less precarious given the forward march toward equality of consideration in the workplace (as far as fair access to opportunities go — opportunities we nevertheless must earn, of course).

Thus the reason Apple and an ever-growing number of organizations have embraced LGBTQ equality as fundamental to their culture and company policy. Long-term it’s good for business, too. It’s surely why Cook, an Alabama native, felt compelled to criticize his home state earlier this week for alleged inequities that are permitted against many minorities statewide, gays included. And hopefully his disclosure today will empower and liberate closeted gays and lesbians in positions of power in corporate America to come out matter-of-factly. Why not have a photo of their significant other in their office, if they so choose, or bring their loved ones to company functions where spouses and families are invited. Does Cook even have a significant other? Who knows. Who cares! The Glass Closet has been breached at the highest level.

Sometimes forsaking one’s own privacy — setting it aside for a moment, to address a topic that people are discussing already head-on – can have a neutralizing, destigmatizing effect on something that shouldn’t be a big deal anyway. I look forward to the day disclosing such details is a non-issue.

Mark Brinkerhoff is a communications consultant and speaker, and a co-founder of the Dallas-Fort Worth chapter of Gay for Good, a volunteer-based community service group.

The Fabulous Beekman Boys are in Dallas and looking for restaurant recommendations

Brent Ridge and Josh Kilmer-Purcell (Josh Kilmer-Purcell)

How time flies when you’re getting more fabulous.

Josh Kilmer-Purcell and Brent Ridge, better known as the Fabulous Beekman Boys, have gone from reality stars to the forces behind one of the fastest growing international lifestyle brands. And we’re utterly obsessed with their every new soap, cheese and the baby goat added to the family.

Even though they have a new furniture and bedding line launching on November 5 at Bloomingdales (with a sneak peak starting Thursday — today — at Beekman1802.com), Kilmer-Purcell and Ridge took time out of their hectic schedules for a a few days of local Central Market appearances and cooking classes.

They’re in D-FW today (October 30) and tomorrow (October 31) to promote their newest cookbook, The Beekman 1802 Heirloom Vegetable Cookbook, and sample their Mortgage Lifter sauces. I caught up with Kilmer-Purcell to answer all my burning questions for He Said Magazine.


He Said Magazine: We’re so happy to have you in Texas! Ever consider starting a satellite ranch here? We need more handsome gay cowboys.

Josh Kilmer-Purcell: Happy to be here! We’ve got enough on our plates with the 130 goats we already have. Maybe we could start some sort of farm franchise model: We’ll provide the logo, you do all the hard work.

Yeah, no. Not into hard work. Have any must-eats, must-sees or must-dos while you’re in Texas? Dallas specifically?

We make it a point to visit farmers markets in most every city we visit, and we’ve heard that newly reopened Dallas Farmers Market is one of the best. And we love getting farm-to-table restaurant recommendations on our Facebook page.

You should check out Asador at the Renaissance. Great farm-to-table food. Speaking of, your new vegetable cookbook looks wonderful. Glad that many of the recipes are the way most Texans approach veggies — accompanied by lots of meat.

Yes … meat is a great side for vegetables. During the height of summer and autumn harvest seasons, we plan our meals around the amazing things coming in from the garden. Meat is the secondary thought. We organized this cookbook by season to help people take advantage of the freshest harvests as they come into their farmers markets, CSAs or gardens.

Your cooking class in Dallas is sold out, so for the unlucky souls reading this who aren’t attending, can you offer up one quick cooking tip that’ll make the heartbreak a little easier?

For those who didn’t get a ticket, we decided to show up to Central Market early — from 3 to 4 p.m. (ed. note: and tomorrow in Fort Worth from 2 to 3 p.m.) — to sign books and hand out samples of our pasta sauce. Anyone can come down and get their books signed and gossip with us. As for a cooking tip: always break your eggs on a flat surface. You won’t get bits of eggs shells in your bowl that way.

Our omelets thank you. So, your cookbook raises a serious question: Is there really a difference in salad dressings for young lettuce vs., oh, senior citizen lettuce?

We’re not salad-tossing ageists.

If you had to eat one dish from the cookbook every day for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Probably the bacon popcorn-topped mac and cheese. But only because you’re forcing us to.

Do you all ever log on to farmersonly.com to see what the bucolic dating scene is like in upstate New York?

We’ll suggest to Farmer John. He’s single and looking right now. Hint, hint.

Catch the Fabulous Beekman Boys in person October 30  in Dallas and October 31 in Fort Worth.

Thursday, October 30
DALLAS – Central Market Store
5750 Lovers Lane
3-4 p.m. Free Mortgage Lifter Sampling Demo with Josh & Brent
6:30-9 p.m. Cooking Class, click here for details

Friday, October 31
FORT WORTH – Central Market Store
4651 West Freeway
2-3 p.m. Free Mortgage Lifter Sampling Demo with Josh & Brent
6:30-9 p.m. Cooking Class, click here for details

Keep up with the latest from Josh & Brent at www.beekman1802.com

A version of this interview originally appeared in the Dallas edition of He Said Magazine.

Steven Lindsey is a Dallas editor, freelance writer and obsessed lover of the written word, especially when relaying stories of travel, food and cocktails. Currently he is contributing editor and head writer of the national and Dallas editions of He Said Magazine (formerly Gay List Daily).

LGBTQ lexicon: What’s the significance of the color lavender?

Photo by Jimmy Turner

Want to learn more about the LGBTQ community, but are confounded by the expressions? Questioning, coming out or just unsure? Confused on the meaning of terms like cisheteronormativity and transmisogynoir? Not sure of the difference between polyamorous and polysexual? Ever wonder, what’s with all the acronyms?

If the answer to any of the above is “yes,” then this guide is for you. I am happy to be introducing and creating a weekly word guide to better help you communicate and understand phrases and ideas within and about the LGBTQ community.

Color Symbolism — Lavender

Aside from my personal love of purples, there are a few reasons lavender represents the LGBTQ community.

– Historically, before the color pink and the use of the rainbow, it had been associated with the LBGTQ community. It is a blend of the traditionally gender-identified colors pink and blue, blurring the lines, subverting and challenging gender norms.

– Lavender is a shade of purple, which has an association with royalty, and our community is full of queens, kings and other fabulous titles.

– Let’s remember, the purple stripe on the rainbow flag symbolizes the spirit of the LGBTQ community. Recently, shades of purple have been worn to for Spirit Day to support LGBTQ youth and spread the awareness in hopes to end bullying.

– Lavender roses are associated with love at first sight and we know the LGBTQ community is all about the love!

With this glossary, and it’s upcoming weekly entries, I hope to aid you in communicating within (and outside) the LGBTQ community, whether you are just questioning, coming out or wanting to be a better ally to the community. If you have any questions or terms you’d like to be addressed, leave a comment or contact me at bipanfluidinfo@gmail.com.

Please note: It’s important to always respect people’s desired self identifications. Avoid making assumptions about another person’s identity based on that person’s appearance. If unsure, it is always best to ask people how they identify, what pronouns they prefer, and to respect their desire to identify using their chosen terminology.

C. Violette is a student, aspiring artist and a D-FW native. She uses a myriad of terms to describe her orientation including “queer,” “fluid,” “bi” and “nonmonosexual/plurisexual.”

As an openly gay teacher, I want to show my students it does get better

Marchers carry the Human Rights Campaign flag up Market Street during the 44th annual San Francisco Gay Pride parade Sunday, June 29, 2014, in San Francisco. The lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender celebration and parade is one of the largest LGBT gatherings in the nation. (AP Photo/Eric Risberg)

By Satin Abtahi

We hear about it in the news, we attend professional developments on the topic, we read about the newest research relating to it. It’s lobbied in Washington D.C., discussed at school board meetings, and discussed with our school counselors. But we are still faced with the ultimate question: How do we get all students to be secure with who they are?

Our nations’ suicide rate is alarming. It is the third leading cause of death among young people ages 10 to 24, with gay and bisexual youth being twice as likely to commit the act, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. If we, as teachers, are going to help stop this issue with our students, we need to be secure with ourselves. We can’t spread a nationwide message that “it gets better” if it doesn’t actually get better.

Teaching every one of your students to be proud, comfortable, and confident in their skin can help create a safe environment in your class. It’s easy to stick up a poster that says “Our Differences Are Cool,” and claim that you are an open-minded individual, but just remember that our students can read us. They know when we are not being sincere. As teachers, we need to model what we want the students to learn, and this goes beyond academics.

There is a fine line between sharing too much information with a student, and not sharing enough. On the first day of school everyone plays the get-to-know-you team building games. Teachers talk about where they went to college, their favorite things to do and their pets.

Many teachers share information about their families, and most that don’t are the ones that are gay. Most teachers do not spend 45 minutes talking about their families because, gay or straight, that would be a waste of class time. But why should a straight teacher be able to put up a picture of his/her family by their desk while a gay teacher feels like he/she should hide their picture inside of their desk? It should be acceptable for a gay teacher to talk about family with students (to an extent) just as a straight teacher would talk about family (to an extent).

How can we spread the message that being different is OK, when the adults on campus do not actually believe that it is? I was more worried about being open about who I am as an adult than I ever was as a kid. So against certain professors’ advice, my parents’ advice, and my brother’s advice, I decided to be 100 percent open, and that has made an impact on my students. They can agree, they can disagree, they can spout out some thing that they have heard their parents say. Either way, they will know that they are expected to show me and every other person in the school respect.

I didn’t “come out” to my students or colleagues, I just chose not to hide who I am. In turn, I have had students, teachers, and parents thank me. On the flip side, it can make life as a teacher a bit more difficult, but my hope is that it will make life for my students that are struggling with themselves a bit easier. In the end, the good that it does for kids far outweighs the bad that it may do for me.

We cannot always change what is out of our control, but what happens in our classrooms and our schools is in our control. Regardless of a student’s beliefs, religion, or values, they need to learn that every person deserves to be treated with respect, even if they do not agree with them. Teachers are role models, and as a role model, I want to send the message to my students that it actually does get better.

Satin Abtahi is an English teacher and coach at Haggard Middle School in Plano. She has a Bachelor of Arts in English and Communications from Fort Lewis College in Durango, Colorado, and she has a Masters in Secondary Education from The University of North Texas.

Kids’ Night on Broadway salutes Point Foundation, supporting LGBTQ students

Judith Light from TNT's Dallas has been named ambassador of Kids' Night on Broadway, she looks forward to working with the Point Foundation (TNT)

Happy to report that Kids’ Night on Broadway salutes Point Foundation this year. Point Foundation, the country’s largest scholarship granting organization for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer students, promotes community service, mentorship and leadership development. It has invested $18 million in the education of Point Scholars since 2001.

Judith Light, the two-time Tony Award winner who starred in the recently cancelled TNT Dallas show (bring it back, bring it back!), has been named ambassador for Kids’ NIght on Broadway, a program that offers kids ages 6-18 free tickets to Broadway shows when full price adult tickets are purchased. Tickets go on sale Nov. 5 at 11 a.m. at KidsNightonBroadway.com for shows that run from Jan. 9-15.

Light is a longtime board member on the Point Foundation and has been active in fighting the AIDS pandemic and championing equal rights, including: Broadway Cares: Equity Fights AIDS, The Names Project/The AIDS Memorial Quilt, CDC’s Business Responds to AIDS/Labor Responds to AIDS, Project Angel Food, the Hunger Project, the Matthew Shepard Foundation, the National Aids Memorial Grove, Drama League National Advisory Council and the Trevor Project.

Some of the participating shows (subject to change) are: AladdinBeautiful – The Carole King MusicalChicagoThe Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-TimeA Gentleman’s Guide to Love & Murder,Honeymoon in Vegas, If/ThenJersey Boys, Kinky BootsLes MisérablesThe Lion KingMamma Mia!Matilda The MusicalThe Phantom of the OperaOn the TownPippinRock of AgesSide Show, and Wicked.

Coordinating events are being announced across the country; Texas is not represented yet, but updates will be posted on the Kids Night on Broadway Across the U.S. page.

Continue the conversation on D-FW Theater on Facebook and on Twitter @nchurnin.

We have photos of the best costumes from the Oak Lawn Halloween Block Party

A bunch of bananas gets eaten by a hungry gorilla at the annual Oak Lawn Halloween Block Party in Dallas, TX on October 25, 2014. (Alexandra Olivia/ Special Contributor)

Cat woman, voodoo queen and Tinder, oh my!

The colorful LGBTQ community and party crowd came out Saturday night for Dallas’ annual Oak Lawn Halloween Block Party. It’s the one place every year where you can find the best and most creative costumes. And Dallas Morning News was on the ground with a camera.

Check out the best costumes we saw strutting up and down the gayborhood here.

Meet Joe Hoselton, SMU administrator who doubles as Miss Gay USofA

Hoselton sits in his office at Southern Methodist University in Dallas. In addition to holding a national title as a female impersonator, he’s the Director of Graduate Admissions at SMU’s art school. (Katelyn Hall)

By Katelyn Hall

Joe Hoselton’s office inside Southern Methodist University’s Meadows School of the Arts has a mix of professional and personal touches. Against the wall sits his college degree and portraits of a beautiful woman in a tiara. Among this director of graduate admissions’ professional accolades is a plaque that reads “The Voice Reader’s Choice: Jenna Skyy.”

Yes, that’s right. Hoselton’s not just an SMU administrator, he’s the 2014 Miss Gay USofA and a master of drag. And that gorgeous, sensual woman in the photos? That’s Jenna Skyy, Hoselton’s alter ego — a female performer who mesmerizes crowds at Dallas clubs and pageants nationwide.

“I equate my titles with degrees,” Hoselton says. “When I won Miss Gay USofA, I felt I earned a higher degree in drag than I did in college.”

Hoselton won Miss Gay USofA last May in the national pageant held annually in Dallas. As the titleholder, he participates in all the state and regional pageants as a representative. He also recruits and mentors contestants, and solicits renewals and purchases of USofA franchise pageants. In his spare time, Hoselton deals with administrative details of the pageants like scoring, scheduling and contestant registration.

Joe Hoselton as Jenna Skyy (Courtesy of Joe Hoselton)

So how does a full-time college administrator finishing his master’s in Music Education manage to perform weekly, judge pageants across the country and keep up with the responsibilities of being Miss Gay USofA?

“A lot of girls, when they’ve won these titles, they’ve quit their jobs if they had one at all. Most do not,” Hoselton says. “I’m adapting my life. That’s the only realistic way I can do this.”

Hoselton says he never decided to go into drag — “it just somewhat happened organically.”

He was helping a friend prepare for a state drag pageant when he found himself picturing himself in the competition. Hoselton always loved performing — he had previously been a marching band drum major — so he decided to go in drag to a local pageant the friend was hosting in Dallas.

“Two weeks later he called, said, ‘Get painted, you’re doing the talent night competition tonight,’” Hoselton says.

He lost that first competition and made only $7 in tips. But he kept going back. Within weeks, he won that amateur show. A decade later, he holds the premiere title in drag.

Hoselton loves both sides of his life equally. He loves feeling busy, and wants to accomplish all he can at SMU, as a national titleholder, and as a performer.

“I want people to see I’m being successful at being me,” Hoselton says.

If you want to see a Jenna Skyy performance for yourself, she performs every Friday and some Saturdays and Thursdays at the Rose Room Theatre at Station 4 in the Oak Lawn area.

Katelyn Hall is a senior studying journalism, Spanish and political science at Southern Methodist University. She is currently a Metro intern at The Dallas Morning News. Follow her on Twitter at @_katelyn_hall.

Why one gay couple chooses PrEP to fight HIV

Bottles of antiretroviral drug Truvada are displayed at Jack's Pharmacy on November 23, 2010 in San Anselmo, California. A study published by the New England Journal of Medicine showed that men who took the daily antiretroviral pill Truvada significantly reduced their risk of contracting HIV. (Photo Illustration by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

One of the newest strategies to prevent the spread of the HIV virus, pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), has rapidly become one of the most talked about developments in public health. It’s also generated strong opinions among supporters and opponents of the strategy.

PrEP is a once-a-day pill, the HIV drug Truvada, manufactured by Gilead Sciences. When combined with regular condom use, the two strategies almost completely eliminate the chance someone will become infected with HIV.

Last May, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) issued new federal guidelines urging physicians to recommend PrEP for their patients “who are HIV-negative and at substantial risk for HIV.” The CEO of the Los Angeles LGBT Center wrote a column for a fall newsletter exploring the issue. Last weekend, the Human Rights Campaign endorsed PrEP as part of a “comprehensive preventative care regimen.”

The concept of PReP has its critics. The president of a global HIV/AIDS nonprofit agency referred to Truvada in an AP interview as a “party drug” amid claims it would encourage sex without condoms. Research seems to say no, but a better question is: who does PrEP benefit?

You can talk about PrEP in a clinical sense, but it’s different hearing from a couple who use it daily. I spoke with George and Steve, a gay male couple in the Dallas area (their names have been changed to maintain the couple’s privacy). They have been together for more than two years, and work for the same major Dallas employer. George was diagnosed HIV-positive in 2010, and Steve has been on PrEP since this spring. Serodiscordant couples, or couples where one partner is HIV-positive and one HIV-negative, are among the specific groups the CDC encourages the use of PrEP, as are transgender women and African-American men who have sex with men.

Initially, when Steve approached his healthcare provider about PrEP, he discovered the doctor knew nothing about it. The San Francisco AIDS Foundation, which maintains the PrEP Facts website, says that lack of knowledge means patients may have to directly advocate for the protocol.

“It took me going back to my old physician’s PA. She knew what it was, asked me two questions and looked over my blood work,” Steve says. “She immediately said that I was a good candidate for PReP because [I am] in a relationship with someone who is HIV-positive.”

Steve’s biggest issue is how PReP is portrayed within the community. Many couples do not even consider it as an option, he says.

“You have people who don’t go out to the bars who are in a monogamous relationship, one being positive one being negative, who think [PReP] isn’t for me,” he says. “If your partner is HIV-positive, you can get HIV from your partner and PrEP is a way to prevent that.”

George says that perceived issues of toxicity and stigma contribute to misinformation about PrEP.

“Truvada is most frequently taken by people who are HIV-positive. [For the single person] you wonder, ‘Should I ask what their status is?’ I think that has nothing to do with PrEP whatsoever. I think it’s the ability and freedom to ask…most people in that conversation feel like they are being put on a witness stand and that ends up fueling stigma. I don’t understand how, in a circumstance where you’re single or not, that PrEP is not an option to you,” he says.

Cost has been cited as one reason for the skepticism over PrEP. Truvada costs about $1,300 a month. Steve uses a payment assistance program through Gilead to eliminate the prescription co-payment. George thinks that it may take the release of a second drug that can be used in PrEP therapy to change people’s minds.

“We are a country of options…you end up having the same conversations about medicine that HIV-positive people do,” George says. “As long as there is only one drug, it is a complete and utter target for every single thing people can say about it.”

George added that treatment adherence – hammered home in websites and news articles on PrEP — is key to its effectiveness.

“If you don’t take it every day and you’re not very religious about it, you’re not 100 percent protected. We are still in a sex crisis much as we were in 1984, except we have more tools to fight it, and I think that’s the problem,” he says.

For this couple, adherence is a family affair. Steve takes his PrEP when George takes his daily HIV medicine. Steve goes to his doctor regularly to make sure he’s not having any interactions from the drug, and so far hasn’t reported any side effects.

PrEP is not a one-size-fits-all solution to limiting HIV’s spread. But both Steve and George say the first step is reading up on the protocol and talking with your healthcare provider.

Steve summed it up this way: “We’ve become a health conscious society when it comes to looking out for our own bodies. If you are out there having unprotected sex, then this is something you really need to consider because it does work.”

Rafael McDonnell is communications and advocacy manager for Resource Center. An award-winning former broadcast journalist, he is a native of and lives in Fort Worth.

Editor’s note: Resource Center previously received donations from Gilead Science, but has not since 2007.

Enjoy the glamour of the 1920s at fundraiser for AIDS Interfaith Network this weekend

Finally. A reason to wear my favorite flapper dress without getting stares.

(People at Six Flags are so judgmental.)

But everyone will be donning their best 1920s-era duds, so I’ll be in great company at Sunday’s big fundraiser for AIDS Interfaith Network, The Great Gatsby…the Cat’s Meow.

It all takes place at the gorgeous Preston Hollow home of Faye C. Briggs, which is the ideal setting for a party celebrating a level of extravagance and decadence rarely seen since the ’20s. Or outside any gay bar in Dallas.

Featuring an open bar stocked with Equality Vodka, catering by James Nelson, and live entertainment from the always dashing Hunter Sullivan, think of this party as a worthy alternative to your typical Sunday Funday shenanigans.

And a great reason to break out your favorite flapper dress, too.

The Great Gatsby…the Cat’s Meow
Tickets: $75 (includes valet parking, open bar, hors d’oeuvres and live entertainment) at eventbrite.com.
Sunday, October 19, 3–6 p.m.

The Home of Faye C. Briggs, 5909 Desco Drive, Dallas
www.aidsinterfaithnetwork.org

This story originally appeared in the Dallas edition of He Said Magazine.

Steven Lindsey is a Dallas editor, freelance writer and obsessed lover of the written word, especially when relaying stories of travel, food and cocktails. Currently he is contributing editor and head writer of the national and Dallas editions of He Said Magazine (formerly Gay List Daily).

Phariss: My partner and I traveled the world where we could be more open about our relationship

Victor Holmes (left) and Mark Phariss (right) in Antarctica in December 2012. (Courtesy of Mark Phariss)

I met Vic in San Antonio in the spring of 1997 at a birthday party for a mutual friend. Vic, then 27, was six feet tall, dark-haired and athletic without an ounce of fat on him. He was very handsome.

He was also articulate, with an easy smile, eyes that twinkled and a face and personality that indicated a good person. I was smitten. For me, it was love at first sight.

That night, I asked our mutual friend if I could have Vic’s phone number. He gave it to me, after first getting Vic’s permission.

Not wanting to appear too anxious, I waited several days before calling Vic for a date. Unfortunately, when I did Vic told me he was already dating someone.

Although disappointed, I decided a friendship was better than nothing. So we hung out as friends. We went to movies and dinners, watched TV, talked and laughed, and in general had a great time.

In August 1997, Vic and his boyfriend broke up and I immediately asked him out. When he said yes, I was overjoyed.

We had our first date on August 9, 1997, at another friend’s house. This time, rather than a birthday party, the event was a fundraiser for the Human Rights Campaign, a national LGBTQ lobbying organization, with Betty DeGeneres, Ellen’s mother, one of the speakers. (What a treat for a first date!)

Vic asked what he should wear. I told him a nice shirt and khakis. Although I didn’t know it until many years later, Vic did not know what khakis were and had to call his mother. He then had to buy a pair.

As usual, Vic looked great, stunning in his new khakis.  My heart went pitter-patter when I saw him. It’s been going pitter-patter ever since.

Vic stayed that night at my house. For the next several months, we spent most but not all nights together. Around November 1997, I asked him to move in permanently, and he agreed. We lived together for the next two years.

Vic and Mark on the Amazon River in Peru in July 2013. (Courtesy of Mark Phariss)

In 1999, the Air Force transferred him to San Diego, California, then Biloxi, Mississippi, then Little Rock, Arkansas, then Wichita Falls, Texas. Vic was stationed elsewhere for 11 years in all.

During those 11 years, Vic and I commuted to see each other — every two to three weekends when he was in San Diego and Biloxi and every weekend after that.

We talked during the day several times a day, including every morning to say “good morning” and every evening to say “goodnight.” We emailed each other and later, when texting became common, we texted.

Vic and I also talked via video over the Internet in order for him to see our beagles, our four-legged children.

So they would remember who he was, Vic would send me home with his dirty T-shirts to give to the dogs. When I picked Vic up at the airport, I always brought the dogs, who greeted him with lots of woofing and slurping. Of course, I greeted him, too, but just with a kiss and a hug — no woofing.

During these years, we had to hide our relationship. Vic was in the Air Force, and Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was the law of the land. We developed code words and phrases to say “I love you.”

Vic had a “girlfriend” who later became his “fiancé” — or at least that’s what Vic told people who became too inquisitive about his personal life. The girlfriend was a friend of ours, as was her husband.

To make sure Vic and I could be more open about our relationship, we began vacationing overseas.

We have now traveled to Antarctica and the Arctic, Africa and the Amazon, Asia and the Galapagos, Italy and Spain. We have been to all continents. We are literally traveling through life together, bound by a love for each other and a desire to see (and photograph) the world.

In December 2010, just as legislation repealing Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was being signed by President Obama, Vic retired as a major from the Air Force after almost 23 years.

Finally, we were able to live together again, and we still cherish it. We kiss each other good morning and goodnight. And as hard as it may be for some to believe, we have not had an argument in our entire 17 years together (although Vic’s driving — or perhaps my backseat driving — have brought us perilously close at times).

Of course, there have been some hard times, but we have handled them together. We consoled each other when one of our beloved beagles, a close friend or cherished relative died.

I’m not sure I could have handled any of those events without him. Through it all, Vic has been and is my best friend. And I am his.

Vic and Mark in Africa, at the most southern point, in October 2005. (Courtesy of Mark Phariss)

In love, we have wanted to marry for a long time, but Vic’s involvement in the military and Texas law made that impossible.

Last year’s Windsor decision gave us hope. In October, we flew to San Antonio, the city where we met, to apply for a marriage license. When we were turned down, we and another couple filed a lawsuit challenging the constitutionality of Texas’ ban on same-sex marriages.

On February 26 of this year, a federal court in San Antonio agreed with us. The State of Texas has now appealed the federal court’s decision to the 5th Circuit, something I wish the State of Texas — our state — had not done. And, despite filing it, we wish the State of Texas would drop its appeal, since it cannot reasonably believe it will prevail.

However, knowing the State of Texas will not discontinue its appeal, Vic and I hope the 5th Circuit will hold a hearing on and uphold the district court’s decision soon. The 5th Circuit should invalidate Texas’ ban on same-sex marriages just like virtually every other federal court and court of appeals has invalidated other states’ bans.

The sooner the 5th Circuit acts the better. Justice delayed is justice denied.

And ultimately we look forward to the day that is inevitably coming when after more than 17 years we can marry the one we love in the state we love.

Mark Phariss is a Plano, Texas corporate attorney. He and his partner of 17 years, Vic Holmes, are co-plaintiffs in the Texas case challenging the constitutionality of Texas’ ban on same-sex marriages, which is now pending before the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals.