Condomnation
Sunday’s NYT Magazine cover (see above) was almost scarier than Mark Warner’s Nixon photo. ‘The War on Contraception’ has been waged mostly by people who have never had sex. The religious conservatives appear hell-bent on ruining everyone’s sex lives, especially those unfortunate un-marrieds among us (see: Tickled Pink). But even married couples are feeling the heat. Apparently, if you’re having sex for any other reason besides procreation (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE BABY HATERS), you shouldn’t be having sex.
* Vatican approved: rhythm method, pulling out, becoming a priest (sort of), masturbating (just kidding)
* Not Vatican approved: condoms, birth control pills, diaphragms, IUDs, sponges, vasectomy, tube tying, being so drunk that you can pretend it never happened
According to Judie Brown, president of the American Life League and lifelong celibate, “The mind-set that invites a couple to use contraception is an antichild mind-set. So when a baby is conceived accidentally, the couple already have this negative attitude toward the child.” Like having 12 children wouldn’t give you a negative attitude. Why do you think Irish Catholics drink themselves into a coma? Daily?
Dr. Joseph Stanford, a Bush-annointed member of the FDA’s Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee, wrote that if fertility is specifically excluded from sexual intercourse between husband and wife, “a husband will sometimes begin to see his wife as an object of sexual pleasure who should always be available for gratification.” We can only hope.
Don’t even get these people started on emergency contraception, or ‘Plan B.’ As far as they’re concerned, taking a pill to either stop fertilization or prevent implantation is a sin almost as serious as voting Democratic.
Just ask Kimberly Zenarolla of the National Pro-Life Action Center. Kimberly is a single 34-year-old living in DC with “a group of young professionals who are living the countercultural message of chastity to its fullest expression.” How do you live chastity to its “fullest expression?” Nightly crossword puzzles?
According to Kimberly, the use of contraception is as bad as conceiving through in vitro fertilization. “I can sympathize with a couple who can’t conceive and desperately want a child. But if you examine in vitro fertilization, you begin to see what an objectification of the body it is.” Please. Let’s see if you can conceive naturally, after you find a chaste man looking for a chaste woman. Which is to say, never.
Albert Mohle is president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. “I cannot imagine any development in human history, after the Fall, that has had a greater impact on human beings than the pill.” He’s referring, of course, to when Adam and Eve got naked with each other and were banished from Eden.
But don’t worry. All is not lost. Two words: Purity Balls. Fathers attend these balls with their teenage daughters, where the father gives his daughter a “purity ring.” The ring symbolizes the daughter’s promise that she will remain a virgin until she meets her future husband. The Purity Ball is an event that “celebrates your ‘little girl’ and her gift of sexual purity.” Yeah. That’s not creepy.
May 8th, 2006 at 4:04 pm
Ok, this is your best. headline. evar.
May 8th, 2006 at 4:23 pm
Does the pope have purity balls?
May 8th, 2006 at 4:30 pm
And let me get this straight (no pun intended). It’s BAD for a man to see a woman as an object of sexual pleasure? I feel sorry for these people. The way I see it, God gave us sexual desire. I’m thinking he meant for us to use it.
/Everybody except Joe Barton.
May 8th, 2006 at 4:30 pm
I’m only interested in women for their minds.
May 8th, 2006 at 4:55 pm
An outrage. One of the benefits of getting married is supposed to be the guilt-free, sinless f*cking!!
May 8th, 2006 at 4:56 pm
You are only allowed to have sex purely for procreation reasons. If you do so, and you find that it is becoming pleasurable, that is a sin. Immediately stop what you’re doing and report it to your nearest God-channeler and they will pretend to make things better. Yay Religion!
ps – This just in, the wordhole on your face is only for taking in enough food to live to the next day. Putting anything in it that is not a simple square meal (and only three times a day – you are being watched, so obey, peon) or a smallish wafer, ordained by the big G upstairs natch, is a sin. Proceed to Re-Blissification training at once.
May 8th, 2006 at 5:00 pm
http://generationsoflight.myicontrol.com/generationsoflight/index.cfm?ID=C7D9C98F-F39B-4721-82312665A131C364
May 8th, 2006 at 5:10 pm
Re: 7. Tickled Pink, Baby Hater
Yikes. And I thought the ITPT Writers Purity Ball was weird.
May 8th, 2006 at 5:18 pm
Whatever. I just want my purity ring back.
/why didn’t tickled pink get a ring?
May 8th, 2006 at 5:19 pm
I’m with JCBT – only interested in women for their brains. Their big, lickable, bouncing brains.
May 8th, 2006 at 5:21 pm
Re: 10. motorboat
Sinner.
May 8th, 2006 at 5:30 pm
I would welcome a War on Contraception from the religious right. They’ve grossly overestimated there influence and support. This would make their efforts during the Schiavo frenzy look successful. Trying to control the private sex lives of married Americans? Please, please, please…BRING IT. Beginning of the end for the religious right.
May 8th, 2006 at 5:54 pm
Re: 2. Dont Mess w/ Pink
The Pope just has a direct line (like a spiritual Batphone) to the Man with the Purity Balls. His own balls are ever so slightly besmirched with whatever impure balls become besmirched with in our dirty world. The only set of truly pure balls in this world belong to Peter North.
/if you know who that is, go. to. church. now.
May 8th, 2006 at 6:24 pm
Re: 7. Tickled Pink, Baby Hater
That. is. CREEPY.
May 8th, 2006 at 6:30 pm
Re: 7. Tickled Pink, Baby Hater
Take a look at the pictures on the site.
There’s nothing like having ridiculously overbearing parents when you’re growing up to make you want to do crazy stuff. Those are our future strippers, prostitutes, bloggers, and gangbang queens in the making. Thank you, incredibly naive and stupid fathers.
May 8th, 2006 at 7:45 pm
Re: 7. Tickled Pink, Baby Hater
OK. I’m disturbed by this site. For example, here’s why:
“How can you measure the value of your eleven year old looking up into your eyes (as you clumsily learn the fox-trot together) with innocent, uncontainable joy, saying, ‘Daddy, I’m so excited!’
May 8th, 2006 at 7:57 pm
Re: 7. Tickled Pink, Baby Hater
“The fathers place their hands on their daughters, ”
Unfortunately, somehow I think this happens a lot in this crowd.
May 8th, 2006 at 7:59 pm
Re: 16. Hookergate
“My daddy thinks I’m beautiful in my own unique way. My daddy is treating me with respect and honor. My daddy has taken time to be silly, and even made a fool of himself, learning how to dance. My daddy really loves me!”
And no one else ever. will.
May 8th, 2006 at 8:16 pm
“When I finally have sex, I’ll be thinking about my daddy the whole time.”
/thanks, dad
May 8th, 2006 at 8:42 pm
Purity balls? Cue dirty thoughts…
I wonder how the pope feels about blow jobs?
May 8th, 2006 at 9:04 pm
This is why sex HAS to be Controlled
May 9th, 2006 at 7:42 am
I’m gonna get bumper stickers made up that say “My son banged the *&#@ outta your daughter after the Purity Ball”.
May 9th, 2006 at 9:11 am
Re: 22. Pink Librarian
very funny – made me spit out my coffee this morning…
May 9th, 2006 at 9:27 am
The sexually repressed (aka very unhappy people) trying to make the rest of us as miserable as they are. That’s gonna work.
May 9th, 2006 at 9:39 am
To quote the late great Gamble Rodgers (who probably stole the line in the great folk music tradition): The teenagers creed…its easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Do these pure women have to go to Star Trek conventions to find a chaste man?
May 9th, 2006 at 10:05 am
Tomi-Ann Roberts, an associate professor of psychology at Colorado College says:
“Purity as a word – that has to do with whether your water is contaminated or not. I don’t like it being described for a human being. Why is it called a purity ball? Why isn’t it called the respect-my-daughter ball? We never talk about men’s purity. Girls and women have suffered enough in terms of negative perceptions of their sexuality.”
May 9th, 2006 at 10:14 am
Re: 22. Pink Librarian
*Rimshot.*
May 9th, 2006 at 10:15 am
http://www.news-medical.net/?id=17700
“Adolescents who sign a “virginity pledge” and then go on to have premarital sex are likely to disavow having signed such a pledge, according to an analysis of survey data by Harvard School of Public Health (HSPH) researcher Janet Rosenbaum published in the advance online edition of the American Journal of Public Health’s June 2006 issue.”
May 9th, 2006 at 10:28 am
Re: 28. JohnCornyn’sBoxTurtle
“Moreover, the fact that the majority of adolescents recanted their vows within a year may suggest that the virginity pledge programs have a high drop-out rate and that adolescents do not make a strong affiliation with the pledge, said the author. ”
Duh.
May 9th, 2006 at 10:29 am
Sorry, 29 was me.
May 9th, 2006 at 11:00 am
Actually– seriously this really happened –one of my college buddies dated a girl for a while that wore a chastity ring. At first she would take it off before they had sex. Later on, she decided it was more fun doing it with it on. I don’t think her dad ever introduced her to Purity Balls though. By the way, does anybody else have that damn AC/DC song in their head right now?
May 9th, 2006 at 11:05 am
Back in Black?
May 9th, 2006 at 11:05 am
Honest communication. I would just tell teenage girls that all boys (including the adult variety) lie when sex is a possiblity. As long as they are aware of that, they can make decisions with the best information. The Pope, he is a dreamer. Bless him.
May 9th, 2006 at 11:15 am
They make chastity nipple piercings?
May 9th, 2006 at 11:31 am
The Catholic Church is so f***ed up. They start with a perfectly good idea — that sexuality is a powerful psychological and spiritual force (who among us hasn’t said “Oh, God!” at the Big Moment?) and then let Judie Borwn reduce it to “you MUST have babies every time you have sex, otherwise you’re anti-baby, anti-family, anti-God.” Where’s an Inquisition for pinheads like her when you need one?
May 9th, 2006 at 11:32 am
By the way, I know, I know: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!”
May 9th, 2006 at 12:32 pm
Re: 22. Pink Librarian
LOVE it. And i’m sorry, but there’s something wrong with an 11-year-old girl going to a dance that’s themed entirely on sex. Having it, not having it. What the fuck ever happened to Care Bears? Where has the innocence gone?
May 9th, 2006 at 12:39 pm
Re: 37. lurkette
Very good point. Creepy all the way around.
May 9th, 2006 at 12:52 pm
I used to play with Smurf Village. I always made sure that Smurfette and Brainy Smurf were getting it on.
May 9th, 2006 at 12:56 pm
Re: 37. lurkette
You must not have heard… Care Bears along with My Buddy were deemed evil by the Churchinistas years ago. Apparently because their legs could be spread, they proved to be a leading cause of teenage sex at the time. Evil little Sunshine Bear.
May 9th, 2006 at 1:01 pm
Re: 40. BlackIsTheNewPink
Oh, I forgot Cabbage Patch kids. Vatican is ok with them.
May 9th, 2006 at 2:07 pm
Re: 31. Pink Librarian
AC/DC? My first thought was “Cherry Pie” by Warrant.
Eeew.
May 9th, 2006 at 2:40 pm
Re: 39. Pink Lady
Smurfette was the only chick around. I think more than one of the male Smurfs had blue balls.
/if you know what I mean
May 9th, 2006 at 3:08 pm
I was thinking of the AC/DC song “Big Balls” (with apologies to Angus & the boys):
Some balls are made for dancing
And some for fancy dress
But the ones where I date my daughter
are the balls that I like best
May 10th, 2006 at 10:09 pm
all i’m gonna say is: how do they feel about vasectomies?