I Sweat Like a Pig and I Vote!
October 28, 2010 - 4:41 pm
Tomorrow is your last day to early vote and if you come in costume they’ll let you vote twice. Naturally I have already voted and pasted my “I Voted” lapel sticker in my scrapbook, in between my Hillary button and Mark Warner photo. So when I saw this ABC News headline, “Sweaty, Married, Churchgoing, Brainiacs Likeliest to Vote,” I immediately screamed THAT’S ME!, and then realized I was home alone so I opened the window and yelled at my neighbor’s toddler, who seemed more interested in eating weeds.
Yes, new research shows that the likeliest voters, or “dorks,” share certain characteristics, aside from their delusional sense that they’re actually making a difference.
- They sweat. Apparently there’s a direct correlation between physiological responses and political action, according to a recent edition of New Scientist magazine. Researchers showed volunteers pictures that typically cause people to sweat (sunsets, fist fights, porn, cats) and found that the sweatier the volunteer, the more politically active they were. I’m a champion sweater. I even think about sweating, and I start sweating. Great. Now I’m sweating.
- They’re smart. And they grew up smart. I was super smart as a child, even though I didn’t get into the gifted and talented program and my sister did. She was “book smart,” whereas I was “subtle smart.” As in, I know I’m smart but no one else realizes my true potential.
- They’re married. Married couples accounted for 65 percent of the voters in 2000. I’m married. In fact, I’ve even created my own bumper sticker. “I’m married, and I vote. You’re single, and you’re sad.” OMG! I’m totally kidding! Single women have no excuse for not voting. What, they can’t find the time between stalking ex-boyfriends and quilting? (Annulled couples are the least likely to vote because they’re too busy pretending that the past five years of their lives never happened.)
- They go to church. Oh I’ve got that covered. I spent like my whole life going to church. And if there was one thing we learned, it was to never look a nun directly in her glass eye. And if there was one more thing, it was to love your country.
October 28th, 2010 at 5:12 pm
I met all the criteria, but when I think about next Tuesday’s likely results, I just want to gag. Which causes more sweat. Which makes me want to gag. Which causes more sweat.
In the immortal words of Bill Clinton, the voters almost always get it right. Almost.
October 28th, 2010 at 6:08 pm
well, that depends on context, dunnit?
if by “get it right,” you mean vote in their own best interest, then texans seldom get it right.
October 28th, 2010 at 7:04 pm
Pictures of sunsets cause sweating? I just looked at a picture of a sunset. No sweat. I’m not married, and I don’t go to church. Unless you call watching CBS Sunday Morning going to church, which I doubt. Therefore, clearly, I don’t vote. I don’t know what the hell I was doing in that voting booth the other day, turning that little wheel and clicking on shit. Shopping, I guess.
October 28th, 2010 at 7:35 pm
I can’t believe they let you in the voting booth. You must have had at least a little flop sweat.
October 28th, 2010 at 7:43 pm
without a verifiable record of your ballot, you might as well have been, DMWP.
all the political science in the world can’t stand up to secret ballots counted secretly by computers programmed by people with (not so) secret agendas.
October 29th, 2010 at 1:33 am
I sweat. ALOT. Especially when I think about being married. Am so happy to be packing for my trip to DC tomorrow. I booked a flight and asked for the day off the minute i heard there was an opportunity to say …. F–k you Glenn Beck. I am reasonable (and satirical). Joining the Daily Show on THE MALL. God Bless America. I couldn’t believe how many of my old high school buddies (Facebook) were with me on this.
October 29th, 2010 at 10:15 am
What the hell happened to anonymous?
Married, intelligent (in school if not in employment choices)…check
Sweat. From pictures? Seriously?? Pictures??? Who thinks up this shit? Work makes you sweat, pictures make you happy, sad, or horny.
Church is for the occasional folk music concert in the basement, funeral, or wedding.
Vote…always.
Vote or shut the f*uck up.
Party on, fellow heathens.
October 29th, 2010 at 11:11 am
@ Anonymous: we want a full report when you get back.
October 29th, 2010 at 3:43 pm
Not the same Anon., but a report would be good nonetheless.
October 29th, 2010 at 4:41 pm
Yes, not. Clearly.