How Will the Cowboys Lose to the Eagles?

By Eric Nicholson Fri., Dec. 27 2013 at 3:46 PM

With Tony Romo sidelined, a last-in-the-league defense and an innate inability to deliver in the clutch, the Cowboys' chances against the Eagles on Sunday aren't looking good. So, rather than lose money betting on Dallas, we thought it would be more productive to wager on how the Cowboys will lose. Because even with Romo on the bench, the Cowboys' ability to find new and creative ways to screw the pooch is unmatched.

Without further ado, here are the odds:

Kyle Orton turns in a competent performance, but the Dallas defense collapses in the second half. 1:1

Dallas' defense collapses in the first and second half. Nick Foles racks up 400-plus yards. The Eagles never punt. 3:2

Rather than knee the ball to secure victory, Cowboys run a pass play, give the Eagles a game-winning interception return. 3:1

Dez Bryant storms into the locker room after an early Cowboys turnover and is quickly joined by the rest of the team because "we couldn't let the fans see us cry." 12:1

Kyle Orton finds a bottle of Jack Daniel's at halftime. 20:1

Every single player on the Cowboys roster suffers a catastrophic injury in pre-game warmups, bringing a injury-plagued season to a fitting end. 25:1

Demarco Murray, inches from a game-clinching TD, spots a defender and casually trots out of bounds. 50:1

To patch up injury-plagued roster, Jerry Jones makes a last-minute signing of himself as starting middle linebacker and QB. 75:1

The Eagles, whose bodies have built up a remarkable tolerance for pestilence by living in Philly, infect the Cowboys with a devastating flesh-eating bacteria. 125:1

Cowboys spend hours searching for Monte Kiffin, who became disoriented en route to the stadium, drove 16 hours to Tampa. 348:1

Upon further review, every successful Cowboys pass play was actually an interception. 752:1

Picture-perfect Orton-to-Bryant deep ball is intercepted by an actual bald eagle. 1,204:1

Kyle Orton plays terribly and gets replaced in the second half by Tim Tebow, whose incessant glances heavenward fail to persuade God to make him a decent quarterback. 3,521:1

Clever sweatshirt convinces Jerry Jones that Aledo High School has moxie, deserves to be in the starting lineup. 54,325:1

A driver with the new Metro Arllington Express bus service, still unfamiliar with the concept of public transportation, inadvertently plows into Dez Bryant as he leaps to convert a crucial fourth and goal. 500,000:1

Luke, Jerry Jones' long-lost other son, expertly pilots his X-wing through the Dallas defense, blows up AT&T stadium. 1,102,325:1

Dallas defense completely dominates the Eagles, who nevertheless eke out a 2-0 win. 1,000,000,000,000,000:1

Send your story tips to the author, Eric Nicholson.

We Recommend

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

“I thought it was ordained that it was going to be our time,” Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said.

That...... says it all.

ScottsMerkin topcommenter

Well they lost exactly the way they should, on 4th qtr INT during a possible game winning drive. different QB same result. Was actually quite funny

kfries1

How Will the Cowboys Lose to the Eagles?

A.
Like the whimpering bitches that they are.

oakclifftownie

Being out scored ?

Threeboys

Well, all those Romo haters got what they wanted. No Romo.

Now you have a younger QB, with a Big 10 pedigree, drafted, not un drafted free agent.

Let's see how this works.

dingo

Nine point oddsmaker swing with Orton instead of Romo. Eagles -7.

Packer-Bear with Rogers & Cutler both probable in the snow beforehand.

Cowboy game start time coincides with 'The Collaboration: Hollywood's Pact with Hitler' on C-SPAN (had to work in a Hitler reference before year end).

kosmoemg

Orton fails in the run option, gets creamed. Kitna throws 5 td's, Cowboys win

ChrisYu

wow four comments to your hilarious post. thank you for feeding the eagles fan. the Observer won't tell you the Cowboys are undefeated in the NFC East, they will tell free admission to Baby Dolls with the ticket stub.

ozonelarryb

Answer: SPECTACULARLY.

P1Gunter

I'm going with the x-wing theory.

2DollaHolla

how many failures total, anyone know the number?

kfries1

I got a better one, the Cowturds fails to show up until there's 10 minutes left in the game and then tries to impress whoever is replacing Garrett next year. Unfortunately the Cowturds are trailing 57 - 3 at the time. Jon Kitna throws 3 TD passes in the last 7 minutes against the Jules Mastbaum [1] High School defense and Jerky Jones proclaims Jon the starting QB next year,

[1] Actual Vocational HS in Philly.

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

@ScottsMerkin It was ordained.

ScottsMerkin topcommenter

@kfries1 wow, the intelligence just oozes from your comments. I mean wow, they scored a whole 24 points and gave up 22 to Kyle fucking Orton. lol

James080

@Threeboys

That wasn't Romo last night?

A-nony-mouse

@Threeboys Different QB, same result. Hell, Different players, coaches, scheme and stadium, same result.

Just face it folks, nothings going to get better for the Cowboys until they have a new GM (which very likely means a new owner).

ChrisYu

@kfries1 Jerky Jones then invites Philly fans over to see what a Super Bowl trophy looks like, encourages them to keep trying.

kfries1

@Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Jerky still doesn't get it. The quality franchises and owners get people who can do the job and keep their filthy hands off it. How long do you think Belichik would last with Jerky, or vice-versa?
What Jerky can't fuck up, he pisses on. Ask Rob Ryan.

kfries1

@ScottsMerkin@kfries1Actually I was surprised that most of the team showed up for Orton. I suppose a lot of the players won't be back, so it's not exactly unforeseen. But you've got to wonder if the ones remaining will show up for Romo next year on a consistent basis. They sure didn't this year but some of that may be due to a injuries.

There was a fun quote by Jerky where he realized he's been at .500 since 1997. Hilarious. I wish I could find it now but since Richie Whitt put up a paywall, I'm not too bothered to look for it.

PS: Do try to spit out the hook by next season. It's only a game until Jerky wants taxpayer money for his non-profit enterprise.

kfries1

@ChrisYu @kfries1Jerky throws a hissy fit when it's pointed out that Jimmie Johnson made it all possible despite Jerky's best efforts to fuck it up. Philly fans laugh at the nude emperor. Jerky attempts to resurrect Ed McMahon as a sidekick.

Y'all need to get some new material, d00d.

Sotiredofitall topcommenter

@kfries1 And Philadelphia is still Philadelphia

kfries1

I'm sorry, that should have said "even more taxpayer money".

kfries1

@ChrisYu @kfries1The Vikings and Jimmie J. won the Super Bowls for Dallas. It's almost 20 years ago. Since then, it's obvious Jerky is a complete disaster.
PS: That's pretty old material and I accept your admission of defeat.

ChrisYu

@kfries1 @ChrisYu okay some new material. let's forget the Super Bowls. how many Eagles from the last 30 years have been inducted into the Hall of Fame? that would be at least one more than the amount of Super Bowl trophies(oops sorry)